I love suffering. It brings me so close to God
-Neem Karoli Baba
These words have often been my lifeline when it feels like I can’t breathe. When the constriction from my own mind has cut me off from the world, and when I am unable to connect with anything or anyone outside of myself, these words remind me to relax into my suffering and arrive at its unmistakable truth- that God is here, in this moment, in this suffering.
The suffering is still here, but now there is no where else I would rather be. There is a space around it. There is room to breathe.
In these moments I’ve found that true joy can coexist with suffering. An unbearable love can be found within even the most horrendous agony. I’m often awestruck by the unexpected arising of gratitude. I become thankful for this unasked-for pain and for losing my balance enough to catapult me into a deeper stillness.
It reminds me why I am on this path and why I do these practices. I don’t write for people to read, I don’t sing for people to listen, I don’t meditate to be calm, and I don’t pray for some reward. I may believe that tomorrow or even in a few moments, but for now… this is the gift, here, in this erratic pain.
This strengthens my faith. It becomes evident that, even when I forget and mistakenly try to stroke my ego or to fulfill my desires, it does its silent work. Through singing the Names, through looking at my Guru, through service, and through prayer, grace shines its holy fire on the rope of my narcissism and cinders its threads even as I work to tie knots.
I have faith that I will be brought back to this Truth, again and again, even through pain as long as its needed, for once its fire has burnt the last thread, there will be no more rope or the tying of knots.