Tag Archives: Grace

The First Day of the Rest of My Life

Below is a record of the day when there was no doubt that I had met the Guru. Its the day that I gained a true faith in Grace. Since that day She has taught me that there is only in fact One, True Guru, and He/She/It is beyond anything that we can grasp.  The Guru is within. It’s the deepest reaches of our own heart, but its also a relationship. Its not just love in an impersonal form, but that which loves us and wants nothing more than our evolution towards that love. Its that gentle hand of Grace that helps us along our path. It can come to us in the form of an angel, spirit guide, or our own Inner Voice.  For me, the Guru has come to me in the form of the great Indian Saint Neem Karoli Baba, but my first meeting was not in that form.

The First Day of the Rest of My Life

It was the Summer of 2008. I had just turned 23 years old. I moved to Eugene, Oregon for the summer to work as a wildland firefighter. This was my second summer in Eugene doing this work, and so my plan was to stay with Alden, a fellow fire fighter, as we waited for the call to action. Due to a paperwork error at my fire company, I was not eligible to firefight when the call came to ship out to California.

It was a big fire, and the entire company was sent down there except me. This left me alone in Eugene, waiting until the error was fixed so I could go with them. In the mean time, the lease on Alden’s room was up and his next house would not be available for ten days. Alden and I were going to stay with some of his friends, but now he was out on fire and had no cell service. The only people I knew in town were firefighters who were all gone as well. So I made the best of it and decided to sleep in the park until either the house became available, or I got the fire call.

In the mean time I was dead broke and had debt to pay.  About seven months earlier I had been scammed out of 8,000 dollars, all of the money I had in my savings. (That is a story for another day.) After this I decided to move to the desert to work on myself and do some soul-searching. I was camping on the outskirts of Las Cruces, New Mexico and working just enough to buy food, see my spiritual healer and pay off my student loans. The solitude of desert life allowed me to practice pranayama, meditation and other spiritual exercises, thus I experienced some extreme spiritual highs. This was a big deal to me because it was the first time I had ever been “high” without the use of drugs. I used these peak experiences as a marker for my spiritual “progress.”

I was not saving any money, however, and on my way back to Seattle I had car troubles that ended up maxing out my credit card. My credit card company, as a penalty for maxing out my card, raised my interest rate to 30 percent. I was not even able to pay off the interest as it accrued.

Not only was I broke and in debt, but emotionally broken. Once I returned to Seattle, all of the spiritual work I had done felt like it had completely shattered. I was having trouble reconnecting to my old friends and found myself still in love with a girl I had worked very hard to get over.

So here I was, homeless in Eugene and extremely depressed. I began having intense periods of longing for some Guru to come and take me away on my path to liberation, some Divine Being who could make everything alright. I had read Be Here Now, and I remembered its solemn words, “It’s really just another cop-out to be searching for the Guru.” God is within, and by waiting for some external thing to save me, I was just pausing the inevitable.

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Faith and suffering

I love suffering. It brings me so close to God

-Neem Karoli Baba

These words have often been my lifeline when it feels like I can’t breathe. When the constriction from my own mind has cut me off from the world, and when I am unable to connect with anything or anyone outside of myself, these words remind me to relax into my suffering and arrive at its unmistakable truth- that God is here, in this moment, in this suffering.

The suffering is still here, but now there is no where else I would rather be. There is a space around it. There is room to breathe.

In these moments I’ve found that true joy can coexist with suffering. An unbearable love can be found within even the most horrendous agony.  I’m often awestruck by the unexpected arising of gratitude. I become thankful for this unasked-for pain and for losing my balance enough to catapult me into a deeper stillness.

It reminds me why I am on this path and why I do these practices. I don’t write for people to read, I don’t sing for people to listen, I don’t meditate to be calm, and I don’t pray for some reward. I may believe that tomorrow or even in a few moments, but for now… this is the gift, here, in this erratic pain.

This strengthens my faith. It becomes evident that, even when I forget and mistakenly try to stroke my ego or to fulfill my desires, it does its silent work.  Through singing the Names, through looking at my Guru, through service, and through prayer, grace shines its holy fire on the rope of my narcissism and cinders its threads even as I work to tie knots.

I have faith that I will be brought back to this Truth, again and again, even through pain as long as its needed, for once its fire has burnt the last thread, there will be no more rope or the tying of knots.

 


Reflection